Tuesday, March 01, 2005

If I Wrote for The Onion

Like all well-informed Americans, I read The Onion regularly, and could recite off the top of my head my half-dozen favorite headlines. (Number One: "Commemorative Plate Industry Calls for Tragic Death of Barbra Streisand.") I admire particularly their conciseness: quite often the headline says it all, and you don't have to -- indeed, often shouldn't -- read the accompanying piece.

Since my days include a lot of mental downtime (idling at intersections; waiting for kids to get out of music lessons), I find headlines popping into my own head. If The Onion accepted freelance work (I am told they don't), I would not hesitate to send a few in. Usually they are just the headlines:

"It's Time to Put These Torture Scandals Behind Us"

"I Dedicate My Life to Restoring the Lost Honor of Ahmed Chalabi"

"I Think We Have Qualified for a War Crimes Exemption"

"Of Course Our Warlords Are Committed to the Democratic Process"

"Reinquist Treated for Cancer, Evil"

"Israel Calls In Strike On Arafat's Body"

"U.S. Charges Transitional Government Two Days' Interest for Early Delivery"

"You're Making Condi Angry"



Anyway, today's is: "What Am I Going To Do With All These Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Bush Stickers?"

13 Comments:

Anonymous L.N. Hammer said...

I don't know -- what are going to do with 'em?

---L.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous L.N. Hammer said...

Well, that obviously didn't work. The "/* was supposed to be "are".

---L.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Gregory Feeley said...

It seems to have worked.

I am really tempted -- well, I would be if I had easy access to the technology -- to make up a sticker like that and put it on my car. Give onlookers their day's dose of weird.

5:50 PM  
Anonymous L.N. Hammer said...

Weird: in the post a comment page, it displays wrong. Now I know.

You do have access to the technology: it's called cafepress.com.

---L.

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Scraps said...

My favorite Onion headline ever was one of the ones that had no accompanying story: "Ebert Victorious".

Onion headlines, like cartoon captions, pay me annoying visits fairly frequently. I'm sitting on "Area Teen Declares US Free Country" and "Garrett Morris Found Dead Ten Years".

2:24 PM  
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